Monday, Can’t Trust That Day

Mondays are just the worst.

If we only could Garfield. If we only could.

Monday deserves all the flack it gets. It’s the most awful day of all the days in the week. There are few sentences more beautiful in the history of man than, “There will be no faculty meeting today”. Don’t get me wrong, being informed and in-serviced is crazy important, but Mondays are the worst. After working hard to leave no child behind and the horror that is Monday, staying after work for a Monday afternoon meeting is not always fun.

The faculty meeting has been cancelled. The faculty meeting has been cancelled.

One particularly unfun Monday afternoon, we were having a long faculty meeting. It was one of those really important meetings where a ton of information was being disseminated all at once. Not a terrible thing really; that’s the way it goes sometimes. Being the ever attentive audience member I always am, I was paying 110% attention.Β  Unfortunately, nobody told my bladder to wait until the meeting was over to start harassing me.

Now, you may not know this but teachers are notorious for ‘holding it’ too long. With all the things we have to do in a day and our tight schedules, going to the bathroom is often a low priority. On this day, that was most certainly the case for me. I found myself in that precarious position of being on the verge of an embarrassing situation. So, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. Everything went according to plan until it was time to flush the toilet.

I have very valid issues about touching any public toilet handle. It is revolting. I won’t touch it, and you shouldn’t either. Toilet handles are the single most germ infested object in any bathroom. I have absolutely no science to support that statement so you will just have to trust me.

I always choose to flush the toilet with my foot like a lady. On that particular Monday, I totally misjudged the distance between my foot and the handle. My new, cute sandal lightly touched the tip of the handle and flew off my foot, and my foot fell straight into the toilet! I screamed bloody murder and flailed my arms like a banshee.

A few things I learned that day: When you are standing on one foot while your other foot is in a disgusting public toilet and you are screaming and flailing your arms like a banshee, it is very likely you will lose your balance and fall down. It is also likely that toilet water will go everywhere including on your face. Your new, cute sandals will be considered forever unclean by you even though they didn’t even fall into the toilet. They are unclean by proxy, therefore, requiring disposal. While I rested on the teachers’ bathroom floor, cold and a little wet, I thought about how happy I was just a few minutes before. How did I miss the handle? What did I do wrong? Would the shoe store take the sandals back? Why didn’t anybody check on me, I was screaming my head off?! If I had died, they all would have been sorry.

I died :(

I got up and washed my face and foot in the sink. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried. I cried for my foot. I cried for my pants. I cried for my cute, unclean sandals I would never wear again. I cried because I was just lying on a dirty, germ infested public bathroom floor at an elementary school. After I cleaned myself off and dried my tears, I rolled my pants’ leg up and walked to the library to rejoin the faculty meeting.

Typical Monday.

21 thoughts on “Monday, Can’t Trust That Day

  1. I’m dying. This is hilarious and I had a similar situation recently with a shirt and a kid with boogers on his hands. It was last Monday and I was so glad to have a 20 min break and a Target close by… Hilarious writing!

    • Thank you.

      I laughed out loud at your comment. I hope you will eventually write about the booger shirt. Even if it is a quick paragraph, it will be worth it.

  2. Thank for for the laugh – I’m so sorry that it was at your expense, though. When I taught English as a foreign language, my zipper got stuck when I was dying for a pee between two classes. Same problem: nobody was there to help. I ended up ripping the zipper apart, and spent the rest of the day with my trousers held up with a safety pin that the school secretary lent me.
    I must learn to flush with my foot. I feel inadequate now. I flush with my elbow, then I scrub up like Carter before he goes into the block.

    • Hahaha! No worries. I never thought about flushing with my elbow. May try that. “I scrub up like Carter before he goes into the block.” – That is now in my rotation. πŸ™‚ xoxo

      FYI: School secretaries are the best.

  3. Yikes! This reminds me of a secret fear of mine: Going to use to the toilet at someone’s house and accidentally blocking the sewerage:s…gulp….I think it happened in some movie too with Ben Stiller…So what happened to you could happen to anyone…sigh….but I guess it didn’t help that such a dampening incident happened on a Monday…only to reinforce your abhorrence for the day…Dump those sandals I say and get even better ones!

  4. I understand where you’re coming from about the toilet handles, but I have never once thought of flushing with my foot. Now that I think about it, most of the toilets I’ve used wouldn’t have enough space to do so. That said, I don’t think I would do it anyway-I like all my shoes too much to risk losing them like that πŸ˜› Just out of curiosity, have you lost anything else in that way?

    -The Ace

  5. I sent your post to a friend and loved her response. She gave me permission to send it to you!

    “You are so right… this is laugh out loud hilariously funny! And yes, it’s just the kinds of Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays I’ve been having. TGIF has taken on a whole new meaning.”

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